How to make Friends
A Guide for outsiders in a new country
This topic has been frequently occuring. I decided to write a practical system that works.
Whether you are expat working in another country, or outsider in a new country, or a student, or newly starting family. This guide is for you. Do reach out, if you have any needs or questions. I try my best to help others.
1 My own story:
I grew up in South India. It’s a small town in state of Tamil Nadu, Tirunelveli, India. It’s a small district of about million people. I never thought growing up, I would have the opportunity to live in many places. My world was small, school and home were my world. However, when I moved abroad, I faced all kinds of challenges as everyone encounters. Unfortunately, I could not rely on anyone to direct me, show me how to do things. Eventually, I found my life-long companion, books that enabled me to learn anything.
I have lived and travelled to many towns in the U.S.
I’d say, it helped me to be more open minded and accepting of people from all walks of life. For me, what worked the most in finding friends is through shared interests, finding common ground. For example, I enjoy reading, spending time with others, helping them with their needs, outdoor activities.
If I had stayed in Tirunelveli, my worldview would be smaller. I would have missed opportunity to interact with people from other cultures. Whether you live in Europe, Australia, Canada or US. I’d refer all of them together as West.
Why it feels hard when you move?
When I moved to a new town; I realized that I am starting my life from scratch. This means, old networks are lost, familiarity is gone.
When you moved to a new city or a new country from your hometown; it will be hard. Because, you already have stable social-networks. Your old friendships were formed as a result of constant routines, being in shared activities regularly. In school, college, workforce or even your own family, you were part of a class-room and the environment made it possible to form friendships. However, when you left that environment, so you no longer have the same shared environment.
In majority of the Western towns, cities, people are busy and have their calendars scheduled. As a new person, most of the time, waiting for invitation won’t work out, instead of creating them.
What friendship means in the West
Many times, you will notice people say hello to you. They might ask, How you are doing? This is a polite expression, depending on the town, area you live, people might be friendly. This doesn’t mean they want to speak to you, it is a friendly gesture.
Many times, people separate their work friends, activity friends, close friends, family. Be aware of these differences. The most important fundamental difference, you want to be aware is individualism and atomistic life. Many times, people will want you to schedule in advance to meet, spend time with you.
Some newcomers misread cultural differences and form stereotypes. Instead, assume different defaults, privacy, scheduling, and context-based friendships. I found many not understanding this key difference, so they make stereotypes out of each other.
Another common difference is that people separate their relationships by context, work friends, activity friends, neighbors, close friends, and family. This is not “fake”, it’s how an individualistic culture organizes social life. Because of this, scheduling matters. Many people prefer plans made in advance rather than spontaneous drop-ins. Once you understand this, the culture becomes easier to navigate.
What it doesn’t mean
If people do not invite you to their home, It doesn’t mean they dislike you. It might be that people are busy at this phase of life, their priorities might be on other things.
The 3 rules of making friends anywhere
The first rule is to have repeated contact, through regular events, rather than one big event. The second rule is to have low pressure invites to people, where they don’t feel they have to do a lot, so coffee, lunch or a walk might be ideal. The third rule is to follow ups, have regular meetings through activities, shared interests, events, where you see them often.
Where to meet people (higher chance of making friends)
Choose places with repetition
So, the easiest way is to attend Religious services (Church, Temple, Mosque, Gurdwara et al ). All Religious traditions will have events, weekly gatherings, volunteer opportunities. And so, try attending them regularly.
In many cities, towns, there’s weekly classes as Gym, Yoga, Dance, Language learning. Clubs for running, hiking, board games, photography, fishing, driving. Professional meetups for career and networking, co-working space, technology meetups. Volunteering at local food bank regularly can also help you, there’s animal shelter, board games. Many communities offer neighborhood events, building, dog walking, watching space. At all the events, it is up to you to show up, that is all it takes.
One-time events are fine, but your best results come from weekly groups where you see the same people again.
How to start conversations:
Simple openers
In a new town, you can always say, “Hello, I am new here, I moved here recently.”
And then, you can share about how you feel about this city, ask what do you do for weekends? Many times, you can even ask for suggestions, I am looking for coffee, restaurants, any recommendations?
Turning a chat into connection
Many times, if you are in a large event, if you find interest and chemistry. You can ask politely, This was fun, Could we meet coffee next week?
How to convert a nice chat into a real friend
We can have lots of friendly conversations, that doesn’t turn it into a friend yet. Mostly, friends are built when you meet again, exchange contact and have one-on-one hangouts.
Checklist:
- ✅ Met twice
- ✅ Exchanged numbers
- ✅ Did one coffee/walk
- ✅ Did one shared activity again
How to host without stress
Many South Asians are familiar about hosting, invite people at your own home. Maybe you can keep tea, snacks, coffee or walk and coffee. Hosting is mostly about making the other person comfortable and create repeatable place to gather.
Common mistakes newcomers make
The most important is lack of initiative, finding out shared interests, hobby, activities. As a result, South Asians only hang out with people from same background or even wait for people to invite. Not following up, choosing a place without repeating activities.
2 Special cases
If you are an introvert
You don’t need 20 friends. You need 2–5 stable relationships.
- choose quiet environments (book clubs, volunteering, small classes)
- aim for depth over breadth
- schedule social time like an appointment (1–2 times/week)
If you are a student
Your advantage: campuses create repetition automatically.
- join 1 academic group + 1 hobby group
- attend office hours (relationships with mentors matter)
- invite classmates for study + coffee (low pressure)
If you are a couple
Couples often become isolated.
- find 1 “couples-friendly” group (community events, church groups, hobby clubs)
- still build individual friends (don’t outsource social life to your partner)
If you are a parent
Use your child’s world as your social network:
- school events, library story time, sports practice
- talk to the same parents repeatedly
- propose “playdate + coffee” (very low pressure)
If you work remotely
Remote work is a friendship killer unless you build structure.
- co-working spaces 1–2 days/week
- recurring events after work hours
- volunteering (best for remote workers)
FAQ
Lot of times, I’ve met people who do not try to face problems. Many newcomers, I’ve met are afraid of moving to a new town, because they are afraid of loneliness. At times, they hear negative experiences from others. And then they decide to stay in the town, where they grew up. It’s certainly challenging to move to a new town, new country, however you get the opportunity to learn, being open to new experiences.
What if I feel awkward?
Awkwardness is normal. Most people feel it. Do not wait until you feel confident, confidence comes after repetition.
What if people don’t respond?
Assume busyness first. Try 1–2 times. If there’s still no response, move on without bitterness. Your job is to keep meeting new people through repetition.
How many friends do I actually need?
For a stable life: 2–5 close connections is enough. Everything else is optional.
How do I avoid being used?
Go slow. Don’t over-give early. Watch for reciprocity: do they also initiate, show up, and follow through?
How do I make friends outside my ethnic group?
Choose mixed environments (volunteering, sports clubs, community events). Also, be curious: ask people about their city, hobbies, and routines.
What if I’m busy?
Then you need a system even more. Pick two repeating groups and protect them like appointments. I have come across many who are afraid of taking a step to move to a new place, country due to this. Maybe it is you, Maybe it is time you take the initiative and create lifelong friends.
3 Closing
Making friends is not a personality trait about being introvert or extrovert. It’s a habit built through environments, Choose repetition, keep invites simple, follow up consistently, and give it time. If you are new in a city, give yourself time, space to grow. This guide is your map out to meet friends.